MEET THE TURNERS in the hilarious Ball Games Series.
It’s not every day a chocolate penis is wanged in your face.‘Mum. Stop it, you’re in a children’s play centre,’ yells my best mate, Camille. Her shouting only has more people turning towards us.‘Oh, Camille. How do you think all those children were made? If it wasn’t for willies, there wouldn’t be anyone in your business.’‘Talking about business, leave Beth alone.’‘But she’s an expert.’‘Not with penises I’m not.’ I sigh. ‘But chocolate, yes. Cam, go make us a drink so I can have a proper conversation with your mum.’
Sighing, I follow Dylan through the bank. I can’t help noticing that for an arsehole, his bottom is rather nice. Tight and firm.
He swings round. ‘Are you checking out my bum?’‘No.’ I go to flip my hair but meet nothing as it’s in the damn ponytail.‘Sorry, my mistake,’ Dylan raises his hands in mock surrender. ‘That’s just how it looked. You know, in the reflection there.’ He points to a glass cabinet. I look and see our reflections. Fuck.‘It’s a kink in the glass or something. Makes it look weird.’ I fold my arms around myself.Dylan tilts his head as he looks at me. ‘Kink, hey? Hmm.’
What the fuck does she read?I called in sick again. It’s now late Tuesday morning and I’ve spent hours pouring over these books. Billionaires. Cowboys. Rock Stars. I’ve also been through the shelves. Dora already had a couple of the books I’ve bought her. One thing they all have in common? What I have seen termed as an Alpha Male. Basically, you start off treating the woman like absolute shit, but it’s okay because you have issues. It’s not personal, it’s because you’re an orphan. In these books, every one of them is an orphan. Could the authors not be fucking bothered to write parents and family in? Fuck those few thousand words and complications. Road accident for Ma and Pa. Job done. Well, I’m not an orphan but my mum died a few years ago, so that’s something I can work with. I’ll develop some kind of issue with it, to make myself angry.
I’m forty-five, not dead. Even though I’ve got your dad, I still like to perve at totty.
For God’s sake will one of you give your mother a grandchild before she pinches one from someone else.
I know it’s not an excuse but in my defense, I remember nothing about the evening. Unfortunately, I was as pissed as a fart. So again, I’m very sorry.
‘Jack kissed you? Under the slide?’… ‘Yeah. In the dark. I’m obviously too monstrous to kiss in daylight.’
I realize it’s been a long time since a man went anywhere near my lady parts. The only pussy that’s had any play lately has been Bob the cat and his carrier bag.
#2 Snow Balls
You’d be expected to pull your weight in my house too, you cheeky bugger. If all you’re offering a girl is your dirty underwear and life at the kitchen sink, you’re going to be single for a very long time, mate.
Thanks for the pizza… Was alright for a first attempt. Just a shame the fire brigade didn’t have to come out. I quite like a man in uniform.
She does that feat where she pulls her bra off through her dress and out of an armpit. It’s some feat of magic that’s done really quickly and I can’t totally follow it. All I know is that her tits go with it. The heavily padded bra lies on the floor, discarded among her other mess. I stare at her dress. There’s nothing under it… I have nothing against small perky tits if I’m expecting them, but my hands. There were ready to cop hold of those gorgeous bazumas.
Don’t know half the time son. Best thing with women is to keep nodding at them in agreement. If their face changes and goes weird, try a disagreeing look. Works for me ninety percent of the time.
#3 New Balls
I know, but she gets me to do things and afterwards I’m wondering how she did it… It’s some form of brainwashing.
I think Miranda buys books rather than compulsively eats. At thirty-eight, she’s divorced, and I guess it was books, food or cats and books won.
‘How long have you been together?’ ‘Almost thirty years.’ ‘Christ you don’t get that for murder,’
This is the holy grail. This is what women really want… Of course they’re grown up fairy tales. Do you see many suited and booted billionaires coming in here?
He takes a seat, and his legs splay apart in a wide-legged stance. You know like some men do on the bus? As if their package needs DHL heavy delivery options.
#4 Balls Fore
I step back in shock. The lovely woman who got me to come here has been replaced by a Rottweiler. I swear there’s foam in her mouth.
She nods, but when she turns to me, it’s with a face that would scare Chucky.
I barked, snorted, and laughed aloud as I read each of these delightful little novellas. If I could read fun and naughty little stories like this every day, I would spend the rest of my life smiling. Andie M. Long was a gold mine find for me as it feels like I stumbled onto treasure. Her writing is crisp, clever, and highly entertaining. I was an instant fan and eager for any new releases this writer puts out.
Andie M. Long is author of The Alpha series which includes Amazon Number One Erotic Thriller The Alphabet Game; Co-writer of the Amazon Number One Erotic Romance/Adult fiction bestseller The Bunk Up with DH Sidebottom and The Ball Games series, amongst others.
She lives in Sheffield with her son and long suffering partner.
When not being partner, mother, employee or writer she can usually be found on Facebook or walking her whippet, Bella.
Andie will be signing in Liverpool and Newcastle 2017 and York 2018.